August 1st, 2026
Santa Monica residents found themselves trapped in their homes last month as Vice-President JD Vance made a visit to promote his new book on Catholic conversion. With the risk of hearing an American’s opinion at an all-time high, the military-industrial complex kicked into gear, blocking streets with heavily-armored vehicles, monitoring the skies with helicopters and drones, and clearing out community spaces with the one government institution yet to lay-off its staff: the Secret Service.
Working with the local Santa Monica Police Department, agents successfully prevented Vance from being subjected to the sight of any “coastal elites,” or unhoused individuals who lost their livelihoods as a direct result of his party’s governance. Protestors were kept as far away as possible, ensuring the VP could maintain his fragile ego and self-worth for at least a few more hours before returning to his dog cage in the oval office.
The threat was clearly weighing heavily on the future presidential candidate, as witnesses described him sweating through three suits in the time it took for him to walk from his car to the Barnes & Noble.
It is unclear whether this heightened security is what prevented the community from attending his book signing, as the only people present for this event seemed to be the Secret Service agents themselves. However, Vance countered this interpretation, claiming that no one attended because California was “filled with godless liberals anyway.”
After forcing every agent in his detail to take a signed copy, Vance was seen quickly shuffling back to his motorcade. As his book tour continues, a Barnes & Noble representative confirmed that the current goal is “to move at least 200 copies of whatever his book is called,” otherwise mandating every agent to collect multiple copies themselves.
By Baker Jones